noise

i am in sweden and its quite noisy. my head, my head is noisy.
the nature is amazing over here. i want to be able to breath and just take it in, the wonderful landscape, register it, look at it, smell it and be. but i find it so difficult. difficult to stand still.
I want to be able to appreciate things for what they are, you know, feeling gratitude by instinct. i don't want to feel unsatisfied, angry, frustrated, irratable...
i have to work harder over here. i do not have a network, a safety net here in sweden. and i do not want to show that it is difficult. i want to be happy and strong. i do not want to become what i used to be. i do not want feel hatred towards this beautiful place. I want to love it. And I guess I do, somewhere, but I have to somehow reconnect, build a new relationship with this town and this country. I need to get to know the beauty of it, i need to stop blaming and start forgiving. Everything is what I make it to be. I have a choice today. I can either waste my holiday, or work harder not to fall into old behavior, and have a good time. I think I choose the latter option. So, I am going out for a run now (i am getting fit by the way, a half marathon next year should be do-able), I want to see the reality of it.